Stages of Grief

I think most people have heard about the 5, or 7 stages of grief. I think they are important to remember when someone has lost a loved one, or some other tragedy or circumstance has entered their life. I think it is most important for the caregiver in the scenario to recognize these stages, if not, frustration and lack of understanding will set in as you wait for the person to get over the event. So when bad things happen, remember that a person must go through these stages, and by helping them do so they can move on with their life.

1. Shock & Denial - When something bad happens there is a tendency to desire to do something else so you don't have to think about it. Watching a movie, a sporting event, or some other activity that you give all your thought to for a time period is where most people turn. The more mature the individual the faster they will get out of this stage, and it is important to not let denial last too long. But it could last a couple hours, a couple days or a couple weeks depending on the circumstances of the situation.

2. Pain & Guilt - This is the time of suffering. A very sad period in a person's life, and they may ask God, 'what did I do to deserve this?' This is when a person feels sorry for themselves. And like denial, it is important for this stage not to last too long, but there is a high chance it will last much longer than denial.

3. Anger - This is when those questions towards God turn to 'Why Me?'. Things don't seem fair and it doesn't seem like God is looking out for you...otherwise why would this have happened? This is a dangerous step, one where many people turn their back on God. I think it's important that this stage is very brief.

4. Bargaining - This stage is basically just asking God to restore your life prior to this event, and you would give up something else or do something you should be doing in exchange. But there's no bargaining with God, and helping a grieving person understand that God has a reason for everything that happens will help them move on to the next stage.

5. Depression & Loneliness - There's a point after you've been sad for a while, you've been angry, and now you're just depressed. You're tired of being sad but you can't get happy. You feel like no one else understands what you're going through. This can be a dangerous stage, but it's one that will always take place. It's important to recognize it and then help that person out of it with the next stage.

6. Reconstruction - Rebuilding your life with the reality that the bad event has taken place, and you must live with it. Trying to deal with the obstacles that are presented without getting sad, angry, or depressed.

7. Acceptance - This is the goal for the entire process...and this is where everyone eventually gets to over varying amounts of time. If they cannot get there, they end up a recluse..but I think that is rare as most people want to get to this stage. Being able to move on with your life, accepting the fact the event has taken place and living with it. I believe faith in God's plan is the key to having satisfying acceptance of these bad situations that take place.

Knowing these seven stages are important to helping others or yourself with the grieving process. Just recognizes what stage a person is in and that they need to go through that stage can help a caregiver tremendously. It doesn't always stay in this order, they may go back to denial for a little bit when you thought they were at bargaining, but I think this order is a general rule of thumb for dealing with the downturns in our lives.

JB